Today marked the ceremonial First Day I Have Cried Over An Assignment. I knew it was coming, as did everyone who knows me (and knows that crying is my unfortunate default reaction to any emotional stimuli: joy, fear, grief, excitement, awe, love - TEARS). Emotional breakdown over, I was yet again consumed with embarrassment at just how much of a ridiculous human I am. My academic insecurity bit is completely tired*, yet I can't seem to shake it. I find myself clinging to my transcripts until my knuckles go white because, when they're torn away from me, I literally am empty-handed.
It's always been the grades thing for me. I'm one of those 'Jack of all trades, master of none' types - though whether I'm even a 'Jack' of some trades is doubtful. I can doodle, but I'm no artist. I can hold a note, but I'm no singer. I can dance, but I was never the best at that. I don't speak another language, play an instrument, and - while I can string a sentence together - I'm no writer. But academia is my thing.
It by no means comes naturally; I have to work (and work, and work and work and work) to get decent grades, but the pay-off comes from the satisfaction of knowing that I did it - that someone else gave something I did the gold star of approval. Maybe that's a damning indictment of my terrible habit of getting validation from others rather than myself, but we'll leave that for the psychoanalysts (though they'd probably link it to the whole cliché of parental pressure and judgements, and they probably wouldn't be far off the money). But whatever it says about me, I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to shake that desperate need to get an A, lest my life and endeavours be rendered null and void.
I frustrate myself - I know how daft it is to have one's self-worth tied up in a bunch of essays, for crying out loud, and yet I panic and I worry and I work myself to sickness to make sure I do well. Academic insecurity is not the worst thing in the world to be ~afflicted with, and my tendency towards the hyperbolic probably makes my talking about it melodramatic and tiresome, but I honestly do worry what I would be without it. What am I, if not Hannah Who Is Good At Essays?
Oh self, you are a silly thing. The daftest thing of all is that this assessment isn't even graded. Yet, I know if I'm presented with a paper which contains a big red zero, I'll be crushed. I'm hoping that, as I have matured a little since undergrad, I'll now be able to actually listen when people say that, hey, making mistakes actually helps you to learn, and, hey, it's not the end of the entire universe if this essay isn't tip-top. And yet, when I think about not being able to pursue my academic dreams, I feel quite nauseous. I guess this isn't a thing that fixes itself overnight.
However, while I may find myself having fever dreams about a syntax tree reaching out from the paper and strangling me with its complementizer clause (get it? Clause/claws? Oh, I amuse myself), for tonight, I'm going to stop. I've had a delightful evening, and will now retire to look at the photographs of my new baby cousin (eee!), and celebrate the Doctor Who's 48th birthday with my favourite episodes. More tears may come tomorrow, but this is - at the very least - a start.
*If you get that reference, marry me.
Wednesday 23 November 2011
They don't know we know they know we know
I've just got back from a wonderful, wonderful lecture given by Oliver Ford Davies*, entitled 'Did Gertrude Know? Some problems with performing Shakespeare'. I was utterly entranced by the whole thing, for three main reasons:
Firstly, Oliver himself. What a charming man! Stumbling across the lecture while browsing the vast selection on offer (methinks I shall be making good use of them in the coming weeks), I recognised Davies' name and face from his role as the Polonius to David Tennant's Hamlet, a production I was lucky enough (or unlucky enough, depending on your Tennant-feelings!) to see a few years ago. I've not been fortunate enough to see him in any other theatre roles, but I am definitely going to try in future - he seems a warm, intelligent and kind soul, with the kind of deep knowledge of his subject matter that only a pure passion could have motivated. His voice is measured yet commanding, and he wisecracked and witted his way through an hour which seemed to fly by.
Secondly - daft as it sounds - I understood! I've never been a slavish scholar of Shakespeare; while I studied and loved many of his plays throughout school, I don't share the same encyclopedic knowledge of his work as so many wonderful academics and theatregoers do. However, I do think him - in short - a genius. I'm a novice fan - one who watches and reads as much as she can, and is left in constant awe by his mastery of language** and character, his wit and his tenderness, and his love of people and their eccentricities.This past year has seen me pretty much overdose on any Shakespeare production I can get my eyes on (to turn an odd phrase), and while the nuances discovered by line-to-line study may be lost on me, I've loved broadening my Shakey horizons - and, thus, I adored this lecture. When Davies spoke of Gertrude and Petruchio and Edgar, I knew them - I knew the characters, as played by various actors, and I knew their stories. I 'got' the jokes, the asides, and wasn't left baffled by some of the matters discussed - which I might have been several years ago. As I said, I by no means claim to be an expert (far, FAR from it), but goodness it felt marvellous to be engaged by a Shakespeare discussion, one which I found compelling and exciting. I bloody love Shakespeare, and this reminded me exactly why.
Thirdly, the theme of the lecture itself was one which really seemed to resonate with me and my sensibilities. Davies spoke on the ambiguity in Shakespeare's work, and how a lack of explanation can result in endless frustration for an actor. Did Gertrude know she was married to a murderer? She can be played either way, and the effects of the choice can echo through the entire show. So, so many character choices and motivations are obscured in Shakespeare's work, and others' too, in what Davies termed 'stragetic opacity'. But the thing that got me most was his attitude to this - speaking as an actor, one might see him sympathise with the plight of the unknown character (which, to an extent, he of course did). But he also rejoiced. His closing remarks, while I can't recall the exact words, expressed the sentiment 'Shakespeare left it open to you - enjoy!', which absolutely warmed my heart.
So many times - whether it be deciding on a linguistic theory with which to side, or a religious doctrine, if any, to which to adhere - I have thought myself stupid, frustrating or inferior for just not knowing. To be undecided - politically, spiritually, or any other -ally - is bad, wrong, silly, naïve, lazy, foolish, and many more pejoratives. Yet, sometimes, I find myself wanting to scream 'isn't it okay to just not know?' - why does everything have to be defined, solid and immovable? I appreciate the merits of surety, of course - it would be nonsensical not to - but sometimes I just like to bask in not quite knowing for sure, and I wish it were more acceptable to do so. Not-knowing brings discussion, debate and learning, while stagnated, unchangeable opinions can occasionally be a breeding ground for dogma and intimidation. Maybe that's why I enjoy learning so much - I don't know, and therefore I want someone with more information to tell me things so I can start to know a little better.
I appreciate that I have extrapolated the themes of Oliver's lecture to a preposterous level of abstraction, and will therefore stop typing, but - as with many things - it just made me feel all the feelings, so I thought I'd put them somewhere. Oliver Ford-Davies has written a couple of books about his acting life and the craft itself, and, while I haven't read them myself, if they're half as engaging and entertaining as his lecture, then I'd thoroughly recommend them.
**Me being me, I am particularly enamoured with Shakespeare's language, its intricacies, and its phenomenal effect on the way we speak and write today. I'm currently reading David Crystal's Think On My Words, a fascinating analysis of Shakespearean wordsmithery, and I would thouroughly recommend it to all and sundry.
Firstly, Oliver himself. What a charming man! Stumbling across the lecture while browsing the vast selection on offer (methinks I shall be making good use of them in the coming weeks), I recognised Davies' name and face from his role as the Polonius to David Tennant's Hamlet, a production I was lucky enough (or unlucky enough, depending on your Tennant-feelings!) to see a few years ago. I've not been fortunate enough to see him in any other theatre roles, but I am definitely going to try in future - he seems a warm, intelligent and kind soul, with the kind of deep knowledge of his subject matter that only a pure passion could have motivated. His voice is measured yet commanding, and he wisecracked and witted his way through an hour which seemed to fly by.
Secondly - daft as it sounds - I understood! I've never been a slavish scholar of Shakespeare; while I studied and loved many of his plays throughout school, I don't share the same encyclopedic knowledge of his work as so many wonderful academics and theatregoers do. However, I do think him - in short - a genius. I'm a novice fan - one who watches and reads as much as she can, and is left in constant awe by his mastery of language** and character, his wit and his tenderness, and his love of people and their eccentricities.This past year has seen me pretty much overdose on any Shakespeare production I can get my eyes on (to turn an odd phrase), and while the nuances discovered by line-to-line study may be lost on me, I've loved broadening my Shakey horizons - and, thus, I adored this lecture. When Davies spoke of Gertrude and Petruchio and Edgar, I knew them - I knew the characters, as played by various actors, and I knew their stories. I 'got' the jokes, the asides, and wasn't left baffled by some of the matters discussed - which I might have been several years ago. As I said, I by no means claim to be an expert (far, FAR from it), but goodness it felt marvellous to be engaged by a Shakespeare discussion, one which I found compelling and exciting. I bloody love Shakespeare, and this reminded me exactly why.
Thirdly, the theme of the lecture itself was one which really seemed to resonate with me and my sensibilities. Davies spoke on the ambiguity in Shakespeare's work, and how a lack of explanation can result in endless frustration for an actor. Did Gertrude know she was married to a murderer? She can be played either way, and the effects of the choice can echo through the entire show. So, so many character choices and motivations are obscured in Shakespeare's work, and others' too, in what Davies termed 'stragetic opacity'. But the thing that got me most was his attitude to this - speaking as an actor, one might see him sympathise with the plight of the unknown character (which, to an extent, he of course did). But he also rejoiced. His closing remarks, while I can't recall the exact words, expressed the sentiment 'Shakespeare left it open to you - enjoy!', which absolutely warmed my heart.
So many times - whether it be deciding on a linguistic theory with which to side, or a religious doctrine, if any, to which to adhere - I have thought myself stupid, frustrating or inferior for just not knowing. To be undecided - politically, spiritually, or any other -ally - is bad, wrong, silly, naïve, lazy, foolish, and many more pejoratives. Yet, sometimes, I find myself wanting to scream 'isn't it okay to just not know?' - why does everything have to be defined, solid and immovable? I appreciate the merits of surety, of course - it would be nonsensical not to - but sometimes I just like to bask in not quite knowing for sure, and I wish it were more acceptable to do so. Not-knowing brings discussion, debate and learning, while stagnated, unchangeable opinions can occasionally be a breeding ground for dogma and intimidation. Maybe that's why I enjoy learning so much - I don't know, and therefore I want someone with more information to tell me things so I can start to know a little better.
I appreciate that I have extrapolated the themes of Oliver's lecture to a preposterous level of abstraction, and will therefore stop typing, but - as with many things - it just made me feel all the feelings, so I thought I'd put them somewhere. Oliver Ford-Davies has written a couple of books about his acting life and the craft itself, and, while I haven't read them myself, if they're half as engaging and entertaining as his lecture, then I'd thoroughly recommend them.
"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." ~Gilda Radner*Witnessed a fellow saying 'man, this guy looks just like the guy who played the Archbishop of Canterbury in Johnny English'. Yeah, that was him, idiot. (You might think 'idiot' a strong choice of word, but the guy then went on to tell his friend that they had special, reserved seating, and thus would be away from the 'plebs', so I am more than content to go with such a derogatory term. What a dick.)
**Me being me, I am particularly enamoured with Shakespeare's language, its intricacies, and its phenomenal effect on the way we speak and write today. I'm currently reading David Crystal's Think On My Words, a fascinating analysis of Shakespearean wordsmithery, and I would thouroughly recommend it to all and sundry.
Tuesday 22 November 2011
Introduct-a-Han
I used to blog A LOT. Back in the good old days of Livejournal, I had a friends-only blog wherein I angsted about my 17-year-old non-problems and got REALLY, REALLY EXCITED about Doctor Who.
Several years later, I have slightly less teenage woe and - if it's possible - slightly more feelings about Doctor Who. I also have a degree, newly dyed ginger hair, and much wider field of interest. I've been itching to get back to blogging for a while - having caught the bug with my language blog (which is still very much in its infancy) - and reading my delightful friends' ventures in theatre review, film and television blogging, and generally just talking about their lives has convinced me to just bloody well give it a go.
So here I am. Wittering away into the void like some kind of unstoppable moron, and hoping to keep doing so on a semi-regular basis. But first things first - a two-pronged introduction!
THINGS I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT (AND WILL THEREFORE BE LIKELY TO BLOG ABOUT)
- Linguistics, aka. light of my life, my very best friend, etc. I'm a pretty keen bean for most linguistic fields, and am generally fascinated by quirky word facts in general (for instance, did you know that the Anglo Saxon word for 'squirrel' - acweorna - literally translates to 'oak botherer'? Now you do!), but specifically I love studying phonological theory, acoustic and articulatory phonetics, sociophonetics, wider sociolinguistics issues (the use of language to construct social identity, gender, ethnicity and sexuality in particular), and language change through history, with a particular fascination with the way language is used on the Internet. I have a detailed post about my language feelings here, and will most likely save in-depth waffle for the language blog, but linguistics being the fire in my belly, it's likely to crop up a lot.
- Television. Oh, I watch far more TV than is healthy, getting thoroughly, embarrassingly, soul-destroyingly invested in fantastic shows (The Thick Of It, Blackadder, Sherlock, etc.), terrible shows (GLEE, for my sins) and those which hover in between (Doctor Who, Merlin, Downton Abbey, and far more than I care to mention). I enjoy - among other things - snarky protagonsists, excellent friendships, background acting, wistful looks, bromances and ADVENTURES.
- Theatre. Most of my time and any dispoable income I can muster (and, to be honest, my not-so-disposable income too) goes on theatre tickets. I fell in love with theatregoing about a year ago; the vividness of it, the electricity, the power of it being right there, in front of your eyes - sometimes ugly or sharp or stunning or wild, but always, always exciting. Shakespeare's Globe in particular is my spiritual home, and I'll see my favourite shows over and over again before they close (transcience: the curse of the theatre!).
- Things That Are Important. I don't claim to have any kind of authority when it comes to matters of the world, but I like reading about things that interest me, and things I feel are important to learn and know about. Feminism, racism, sexism, gender and sexuality issues, religion, the media, politics and world issues - I read what I can, and I may try and post semi-cogent feelings about this kind of stuff when the need arises
- Nature and Science. I'm a bit of a giddy child when it comes to the world, and just generally get fascinated and awed by nature being crazy and ridiculous and beautiful and mind-bogglingly spectacular. So I might occasionally get a bit capslocky and feelings about waterfalls and the Aurora Borealis. Yeah, watch out for that.
TEN TINY FACTOIDS THAT MAY GIVE YOU A MORE ROUNDED (IF NOT WHOLLY ENDEARING) IDEA OF WHO I BE
- I own an unhealthy number of pairs of coloured tights.
- About 30% of my vocabulary comes from quoting TV shows and/or Memes.
- I curse like a sailor, and will frequently have the sense of humour of a seven-year-old boy.
- Pictures of the Earth from space are almost guaranteed to make me cry.
- One time, I made myself a TARDIS bag.
- My favourite food is custard. Peas, however, are of the devil.
- I can't sing. However, I sing all the time.
- Hercules is the greatest Disney film. Yeah, you heard.
- I can name all the kings and queens of England from William the Conqueror to Elizabeth II.
- I learnt the previous information from here, which makes it decidedly less impressive.
So, yeah, that's me! I apologise in advance.
Several years later, I have slightly less teenage woe and - if it's possible - slightly more feelings about Doctor Who. I also have a degree, newly dyed ginger hair, and much wider field of interest. I've been itching to get back to blogging for a while - having caught the bug with my language blog (which is still very much in its infancy) - and reading my delightful friends' ventures in theatre review, film and television blogging, and generally just talking about their lives has convinced me to just bloody well give it a go.
So here I am. Wittering away into the void like some kind of unstoppable moron, and hoping to keep doing so on a semi-regular basis. But first things first - a two-pronged introduction!
THINGS I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT (AND WILL THEREFORE BE LIKELY TO BLOG ABOUT)
- Linguistics, aka. light of my life, my very best friend, etc. I'm a pretty keen bean for most linguistic fields, and am generally fascinated by quirky word facts in general (for instance, did you know that the Anglo Saxon word for 'squirrel' - acweorna - literally translates to 'oak botherer'? Now you do!), but specifically I love studying phonological theory, acoustic and articulatory phonetics, sociophonetics, wider sociolinguistics issues (the use of language to construct social identity, gender, ethnicity and sexuality in particular), and language change through history, with a particular fascination with the way language is used on the Internet. I have a detailed post about my language feelings here, and will most likely save in-depth waffle for the language blog, but linguistics being the fire in my belly, it's likely to crop up a lot.
- Television. Oh, I watch far more TV than is healthy, getting thoroughly, embarrassingly, soul-destroyingly invested in fantastic shows (The Thick Of It, Blackadder, Sherlock, etc.), terrible shows (GLEE, for my sins) and those which hover in between (Doctor Who, Merlin, Downton Abbey, and far more than I care to mention). I enjoy - among other things - snarky protagonsists, excellent friendships, background acting, wistful looks, bromances and ADVENTURES.
- Theatre. Most of my time and any dispoable income I can muster (and, to be honest, my not-so-disposable income too) goes on theatre tickets. I fell in love with theatregoing about a year ago; the vividness of it, the electricity, the power of it being right there, in front of your eyes - sometimes ugly or sharp or stunning or wild, but always, always exciting. Shakespeare's Globe in particular is my spiritual home, and I'll see my favourite shows over and over again before they close (transcience: the curse of the theatre!).
- Things That Are Important. I don't claim to have any kind of authority when it comes to matters of the world, but I like reading about things that interest me, and things I feel are important to learn and know about. Feminism, racism, sexism, gender and sexuality issues, religion, the media, politics and world issues - I read what I can, and I may try and post semi-cogent feelings about this kind of stuff when the need arises
- Nature and Science. I'm a bit of a giddy child when it comes to the world, and just generally get fascinated and awed by nature being crazy and ridiculous and beautiful and mind-bogglingly spectacular. So I might occasionally get a bit capslocky and feelings about waterfalls and the Aurora Borealis. Yeah, watch out for that.
TEN TINY FACTOIDS THAT MAY GIVE YOU A MORE ROUNDED (IF NOT WHOLLY ENDEARING) IDEA OF WHO I BE
- I own an unhealthy number of pairs of coloured tights.
- About 30% of my vocabulary comes from quoting TV shows and/or Memes.
- I curse like a sailor, and will frequently have the sense of humour of a seven-year-old boy.
- Pictures of the Earth from space are almost guaranteed to make me cry.
- One time, I made myself a TARDIS bag.
- My favourite food is custard. Peas, however, are of the devil.
- I can't sing. However, I sing all the time.
- Hercules is the greatest Disney film. Yeah, you heard.
- I can name all the kings and queens of England from William the Conqueror to Elizabeth II.
- I learnt the previous information from here, which makes it decidedly less impressive.
So, yeah, that's me! I apologise in advance.
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